I think I need help, but I don't know

I think I need help, but I don't know who from. From me? From my family and friends? I honestly don't know. I'm not doing well. I want everything to stop. I want to sleep. I don't exactly want to wake up sometimes, but usually I do. I just want a break. I have no plans for grad school. I don't even want to go to grad school. I have no passion for anything anymore. There's not much for me to do but drudge on and hope for the best. Maybe I just need this winter break to last for a while. Maybe I just need to clear my head. I'm afraid to ask my parents for help with figuring out what I want to do since they still think I want to do Speech Pathology. I don't, though. I don't know what I want to do.

Music Boxes

Music boxes are very emotional for me, guys. Listening to one can calm me down in an instant when I'm feeling like I'm going crazy, winding a music boxes is a fun repetitive thing I can do to distract myself from other things when I'm not doing well, and in all honesty they are the best things in the world. They can also be creepy as fuck and I love that when I'm not the one in the position of being scared by one. Almost every song I've listened to as a music box cover sounds pretty great, so there's that, too. It's just very calming and lovely and beautiful. It also makes me feel nostalgic sometimes. Like I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's something that make me imagine being a little kid. I love music boxes.

The Panic is On

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM A JUNIOR AND I REGRET MY MAJOR WHY DID I DO THIS.
I let my parents push me in a direction. I'm panicking way too much for one day into the semester. I wish I'd done something different. I'm just very scared and need to cry. My heart is racing from my medication and it's not helping. I feel insanely scared.

Moving back to College

Another summer has come and gone. Fortunately, it wasn't as awful as last summer! I got to write, make some money, I WENT TO POLAND (hell yes), played some awesome games, saw some family members...It was a good time. It was still so strange not seeing my grandpa and uncle when I visited Michigan.
Anyway, I'm moving back to college tomorrow. Hooray, third year student, all credits in line to make me a junior SHLD student. Wooh! Band camp this week and then the start of a busy semester. Let's hope I make it.
Last year I didn't think I would cry when my mom and sister left to go back home. I thought 'Yeah, it'll be fine. I cried last year, this time it'll be different.' Haha...hahah...no...no I cried. And I didn't let myself cry at first. I sat in my closet (my bean bag chair was sitting in there, so might as well) and tried to calm down. That's when I decided I'd cry. It was great. Afterwards I put on Back to the Future, unpacked, cried some more, and then left for our band camp meeting.
So, being a twenty year old young woman, I feel like maybe this year I won't cry....but I also know that that is complete bullshit and that it'll take me forever to calm down once my mom and sister leave. This year it'll be a bit better, since I know more people in town and can try and hang out with them if they're free. If I cry, so be it. It's natural after three months of being home and being around my family.
And with that moving in comes the beginning of me needing to take my ADD meds again...and a start to what I imagine will be the continued anxiety I've been experiencing. Can't wait.

Writing 1

Hi, my name is Anna and I would like to be a writer.
Holy shit, no way.
Just like a lot of people I know.
Now, the thing is, I am a writer. I already am a writer in the sense that that is a thing I do, and sometimes I do it pretty well.
However! My writing style is something I'd call sort of natural. Especially when I blog. I write almost exactly what I'm thinking and it flows strangely at times. I don't care, though. That's how I write.
Sure if I'm writing an article for GameCola.net (Gaming outside the mainstream) I'll have to be more careful about it and of course edit, but I still just go with whatever in on my mind. That's why I have such a hard time writing article sometimes. I want to sound natural, but my ADD style is not exactly what needs to be in a review about a game. I look at other reviews and try to see how fellow staff writers write, but that's their style of writing, not mine. I usually open with a story, and while it may not interest anyone, that's how I get the ball rolling.
When I write my story, which by the way is coming along pretty alright, I end up trying to be descriptive and a bit more professional (I guess?). Sometimes it works, but other times it really doesn't. I try hard to write the dialogue to be as natural as possible, but sometimes it doesn't always work out so well.
So I'll continue to write and improve and be as natural and as like me as I can. I'll try to improve on being professional and descriptive and awesome as well. I just want to be the best writer I can be.

Finding myself(1?)

Sure, let's go with that title.
Something I've thought about: Am I a blank slate? Am I just someone who isn't really sure what she is in terms of a person. Like everyone will identify as something. I don't know what exactly, but it's so hard to do that. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
It's not come up to talk to others about it because I never know how to phrase things when I need to talk to someone. That made sense, right? Anyway, I've been wondering if I need to find myself. If I need to stop for a while and find something I love doing more than anything else. If I should really be trying to fit myself into what I think is what I want to do. Or should I run off and do some other shit that may or may not make me realize that I do or don't want to go ahead with my life as is.
It's a difficult thing, and seeing that I am 20, it may be the time to decide yes or no. I mean, maybe in ten years I'll hate myself for not doing so....
Unfortunately, there is no way for me to do that.
Do what's expected and get a degree, get your masters, work until your dead.
That's not what I want but I can't seem to get myself to change it.

If I have an Anxiety Disorder, I'm Going to Flip

I've been saying that I'm going to flip a lot lately.... like a lot.
Anyway, you know how you're pretty damn sure there's something wrong with you, but you really don't think it's true.
Yeah, that's pretty much how my life is going lately.
So far the belief is that I'm going through a huge bout of anxiety. I don't want to say I have an anxiety disorder because I really don't think I do. It comes and goes in waves. I don't know why.
Lately I've been feeling ill (dizzy, rapid heart beat, trembly), fairly emotional and panicky, and just all around not in a good mood because of it. I've always been nervous, ALWAYS, but that doesn't make this a problem, right? Maybe? I don't know.
The thing is, I honestly have no idea what to do. I don't know how to talk about this stuff with a therapist. Trust me, I've tried. It's just weird.
Lately I've been thinking more about the past. Trust me, I'm glad grade school is over, and I'm glad I've reached college. However, part of me is pining for the kid I was several years ago. I wasn't too smart, and I was still a bit cynical, but I think I was happier then. Right now, with all of the changes that are happening around me, all of this growing up shit, and especially with being halfway through my undergrad career I'm getting scared.
I'm not entirely ready to grow up and face the future. I'm nervous about everything in my life. The strings attached to the past are stretched and frayed, and the scares me to death.
Hopefully it's something that will be overcome and I'll be able to grow up, but for now, I'm afraid and hoping I don't have an anxiety disorder.

Birthdays

My twentieth year is coming up in a few days. I can't even begin to say how happy I am. Birthdays are important to me now more than ever since several family members have passed away in the past year. Every birthday is a reminder that I made it. It's like a finish line for a small race in a huge group of races.
That sounded really stupid.
Anyway, that's why I bring up my birthday a lot. I' excited because that's another year I've lived through and I was able to come out of it just fine.

So what the hell is going on with me? (Trigger warning, suicide)

I'm going to preface this by saying: TRIGGER WARNING DEATH, SUICIDE

Please be careful when reading things that could possibly harm your mental health.

Anyway, what is going on with my brain lately. It's just getting so strange lately. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not as anxiety ridden as I was before (at the moment or at least that's what it seems like). 

But what the fuck is going on with the constant threat of death and the thoughts of suicide.

I'm generally a weak person when it comes to anxiety. I cry during tests that are too hard. I panicked when my big didn't show up at her study hours at the time she usually does. I'm beyond scared that the world is going to shit.

That's why I've been thinking about suicide lately. Never seriously enough to frighten myself, but more like... I don't know. "What if I can't handle what's coming towards me and I just refuse to deal with it?" "What if whatever is coming at me is going to kill me anyway?" "Am I really going to love life?" "Growing up is one of the scariest things for me, I don't want to grow up this fast."

I know there are probably a lot of other people feeling the same way as I am right now.

You know what's interesting? I'm still not crying about this as I type. It's more like a thing at the back of my head.

I don't know why this has been such a thing lately.

Please don't worry about me. I'm fine, I just needed to post something because this is literally the only way I can get everything out and remember what I wanted to talk about. I'm seeing someone on campus tomorrow, but I'll probably forget about it by then.

The thing I really need is an explanation for why this keeps happening. As much as I hate to admit it, these thoughts aren't new and they aren't going stop any time soon. It sucks, but I haven't scared myself into stopping, nor have I thought enough on it to actually commit suicide. 

I'm surrounded by people who love me and people I know I can talk to about anything. I know that, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to talk to people about it. I turn to blogging about it.

I will be fine. I promise, and if I'm not, I'll get help. I've thought of the possibility of having depression, but I'm very certain I don't.

This has been a very weird blog. I have no idea if there was a point or not. I think this is more of a journal entry. Sure, let's go with that.

I'm fine, I promise, but I just want to know why this keeps happening. It's just kind of strange.

ADD

Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder is defined as "A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness." Recently, a lot of people believe this isn't a real thing. It is. In 6th grade, I think I was 12 or so, I was told by a psychiatrist that I have Attention Deficit Disorder, which is basically the same thing, but the hyperactivity is less. It has a huge effect on learning and sitting still during classes and while studying.

I'm just gonna go on a rant because I can. ADD and ADHD are a thing. It just seems to be something that is over diagnosed. Kids will have focus problems when they're young. They're still learning how to behave in school and shouldn't be expected to know how to behave in first and second grade. By the time a kid has been in school for a few years, it might be more common to pay attention and stay calm during a class. I'm not a professional I'm kind of just guessing at all of this.

When I was in grade school, I honestly could not pay attention for the life of me. I would take notes and study, but retaining information and getting myself to not zone out during a class was hard. In sixth grade I was told I have ADD. I was put on medication, Focalin at the time, and things got a little easier for me. A year after that I was put on Vyvanse, which I am still on today. I'm in college now, and I've really noticed the impact my ADD has during my classes and studying when I don't take my meds.

Going back to the over diagnosed thing. What I think is that some people are hearing about ADD or ADHD and bring it up because they believe that's why their child is doing poorly or is acting out in class. I think it might be best to wait until a child is a bit older to really look at the problem, or monitor their study habits and make sure they're just not jerks...because unfortunately some kids are just jerks.

That's my little rant. Don't quote me on anything, since I'm only guessing at stuff here. I'm just a nineteen year old who happens to take Vyvanse so she can get through classes and studying so she can eventually graduate.

How I'm doing

Lately I feel like winter will never end.

Since May of last year a lot has happened. I was broken up with, my grandfather passed away, I got my license, I joined a sorority, I entered another relationship, I questioned my life choices, my great uncle passed away, I figured I should see someone about anxiety and five months later acted on that thought. 

Lately everything I've done feels like it blends together. I've lost all motivation for the day.

Everything this semester seems very not spectacular. I feel sad a lot more, and sorry for myself which I should stop doing. I'm quick to jump to the worst case scenario and panic. It's just not been a good semester and we're barely halfway through it.

I'm sick of drama and people who annoy me. I'm sick of this looming feeling that eventually I'll just stop, like a robot who needs to be wound every once in a while. 

I also feel like I want to cry. I don't want to though, and I hate crying.

My best friend is across the world. I'm so happy for her... But I miss her. I miss a lot of my friends. I hope to see them soon.

I miss feeling like myself. I feel like a stranger lately. It's a weird feeling.

I miss warmth. I miss sunlight that doesn't just mix with the cold.

I miss the green on the trees and the grass. I miss wearing sneakers instead of boots where one sole is higher than the other. I miss being able to walk outside with a hoodie on and think it was a bit too hot for a hoodie.

I miss feeling like every day was different from the last.

Anxiety 1

So, ever since last year I've been very nervous and panicky about...well, everything to be honest. Death mostly. I think about it more than normal. The future is something I'm also extremely scared about. I'm very nervous about it and it's normal to be nervous, but not as nervous as I am being every goddamn day. Driving is another thing. I got my license a few months ago, and I'm still super scared to drive. What if I don't make it home? is the only thing I think about, only I don't show it. It's a feeling I've accepted. I hate it, though. I know I should stop worrying, because I'm probably fine.

I also worry about my family to no end. I love them dearly, and if anything were to happen to them I would be devastated. I'm sure a lot of people would feel that way if someone they loved was hurt or killed. It's another one of those things that is constantly on my mind.

I am tearing up while typing this. That sucks.

But I have no idea if it's anxiety or if it's just me worrying too much.

Death 2

Monty Oum has passed away. If you don't know who he is, he worked for Rooster Teeth. He was a brilliant man, and is gone to soon. While I have never met him, I know that his work brought a lot of joy to many people. I kind of want to cry. I will continue to pray for his family and friends.
Over the past few days, I've been thinking more and more about what death means. I'm not sure if I believe in heaven, honestly. I don't know what will happen, but the end of everything is so scary to me. I can't handle the thought.

Romance and stuff like that

I'm not all that old fashioned when it comes to romance. I don't want the guy to pay for me (unless I can pay him back or am really short on cash), I don't expect presents ever. I like being able to talk to someone who is close to me and someone I can say that I like a lot.
I use the word love frequently. I throw it around like it's nothing, although that's definitely not something I take lightly. If I say I love someone, it means that I think the world of you, be it a friend or someone that I'm dating. I never expect that to stick forever, unfortunately. I don't know.
My current boyfriend is a very sweet guy. He's very much a traditional romantic, and likes me enough (for some reason) to get me things. I sort of hate it, because I don't deserve things. It's really sweet, and he says he likes to. I like the handmade things me makes more. They're really cute.
My type of romance is more like 'please don't hate me if I want to be alone a lot because I really like being by myself' and 'let's hang out, I don't really want to go on a date or anything.' I'm pretty easy to please.
I just found a site that somehow magically keeps roses alive and dips them in gold (I FUCKING LOVE ROSES). That's the sort of gift I'd love to get from a man who was going to propose to me. I'd cry. A lot. So much crying. Unless I got it myself. I'd cry because it was beautiful. So beautiful. Roses make me happy.
I lost track of what I actually had in mind, and I honestly don't care if any of this made sense.