Thursday, April 13, 2017

Welp, Fuck

I'm one month from graduating. One month from getting a piece of paper that says I did sufficiently well enough in my eight semesters of college to graduate. One month from being tossed into even more uncertainty and anxiety that, frankly, I'm not ready for.

I have no desire to go towards my chosen field. I have no desire to do anything, if I'm being honest. Unfortunately, the thought of being a disappointment to my family, as I feel I was for most of my childhood and adolescence, is the only reason I didn't switch to a major I thought I'd enjoy. 

Slowly but surely, I'm realizing that piece of paper will mean nothing in the long run. It doesn't define me. It doesn't tell anyone about how good I am at writing. It doesn't tell people that I love reading. It doesn't tell anyone my love for videogames and music. All it tells you is my name and what I studied for eight fucking semesters.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Half of me is so ready to give up as soon as I get that stupid piece of paper. Just...I don't know. 

I haven't been through half the hell others have. I try not to complain, because I know it could be worse, but lately I can't do much else.

Today's been rough. Figures the day after my birthday would be the day I type up another mental breakdown blog.

I'll leave off with this: You are more than how you do in school or what your job is. You have hobbies and interests. You are awesome. However you express yourself, be it through your job or school or your hobbies and interests, do it with as much enthusiasm as you can muster. I believe in you.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

"Hey how ya doing?" "Not great!"

Hey there! I'm not totally great right now!
So, I'll be honest here, I'm a trainwreck. A trash fire. A...other things I can call myself. It's 8:32, and I am TIRED.
Graduation is coming up, and I've been wait listed for one grad school, while two have yet to get back to me, and two have said "Sorry, you kind of didn't finish your whole application." So yeah.
Not sure what I'm going to do. I'm pretty fucking scared, fam.
Cam, my really neato boyfriend, mentioned that sometimes you won't end up getting a job in the field you go into. I know that. I know that really well, but I'm getting a BS in speech, hearing, and language disorders. That seems pretty friggin specific. I'm not exactly sure what to do. I've been fortunate enough to have parents who were willing and able to pay for my tuition. If I were to come back, I'd have to do it on my own. I'm really sick of having to ask them for help all the time.
In other news, my had breast cancer. That's right, HAD. She's completely cancer free as of a few weeks ago. That's one good thing.
Last semester was kind of awful. There was a lot of drama in my life (that I wasn't part of, but was around), I was working at McDonalds (it wasn't terrible, but my anxiety would kick me in the guts like every hour before I had to go in), there was the impending doom of the strike the faculty was going on, an d of course, grad apps. I'm still here though. I made it.
I can make it this semester, too. It's just a matter of getting over this slump I've been in. I don't want to care, but I care too much. I want to keep calm, but it ain't working.
Now, I have an Aural Rehab exam to study for, and only another two hours and 20 minutes to do so before my first class of the day.
Peace out.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Sappy post

So this entire year sucked ass. At least that's what it felt like. I don't know why, but it just felt like everything surrounding me was either a bunch of different fights between a bunch of different people or something that made me so confused that I just couldn't...function, I guess? It was dumb and I'm half ready to be done with everything forever.

On the bright side, I did get to hang out with some people more. I got to watch ten beautiful ladies get initiated into Sigma Alpha Iota throughout the fall and spring semesters. Now I get to take on the responsibility of vice president membership for our chapter. I can't tell you how excited I am to get any new girls coming in ready for initiation with the rest of our sisterhood.

I also took a little this semester. I didn't exactly know who would end up coming out this semester, but after getting to know Bree better, I knew we'd be a perfect match. She's so sweet and she's really funny. She's a gifted singer and artist and I know she'll succeed in anything she puts her mind to.

On a sad note, my big is leaving me. In all honesty if it wasn't for her I probably would have dropped out of SAI before initiation. Last year was tough, and the stress of being an MIT was daunting. I am so lucky to have had her by my side. I am sad that she is leaving, and I'm sad that the other seniors are leaving. Beth was in my pledge class, and at first I honestly was frightened of her. She's loud and talks a lot more than me, but she is a wonderful person and I honestly do love her a lot. I didn't get to know Lindsey and Corrina as well as I wish I could have, but they've always been kind to me and I know they'll do great things.

SAI and GameCola are two of the things that keep me going. It's where a lot of my friends are or have come from in the past few years. I'll miss my sisters over the summer, and I miss reading and writing articles (even though I suck at writing every month and I'm sorry I am the worst) while the site is down. If I didn't have these things in my life, I honestly don't know where (nor do I want to think about) where I'd be.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Another stupid life update

I don't know what's wrong with me. I never understand why I feel so fucked up. I've said some things in the past few days that sound really bad and suicidal, but only to my boyfriend. Now I've probably got him worried. I can't do anything about this. I've fucked myself over royally by not talking to someone about this, but I can never explain how I feel or why I feel what I do. It's getting really tiring and I can't seem to understand. Shutting down has become more common, and just trying to do something I want to do is hard since my mind just decides to go blank. It's gotten so frustrating.

The good news coming out of all of this is that I've got people who care about me. I know they'll listen if I need them to, but I just feel awful bringing things up. I love my family, friends, and my wonderful sisters. I'm so grateful to have all of them by my side.

I wish I knew how to make myself stop being so sad and irritated all of the time.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

I think I need help, but I don't know

I think I need help, but I don't know who from. From me? From my family and friends? I honestly don't know. I'm not doing well. I want everything to stop. I want to sleep. I don't exactly want to wake up sometimes, but usually I do. I just want a break. I have no plans for grad school. I don't even want to go to grad school. I have no passion for anything anymore. There's not much for me to do but drudge on and hope for the best. Maybe I just need this winter break to last for a while. Maybe I just need to clear my head. I'm afraid to ask my parents for help with figuring out what I want to do since they still think I want to do Speech Pathology. I don't, though. I don't know what I want to do.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Music Boxes

Music boxes are very emotional for me, guys. Listening to one can calm me down in an instant when I'm feeling like I'm going crazy, winding a music boxes is a fun repetitive thing I can do to distract myself from other things when I'm not doing well, and in all honesty they are the best things in the world. They can also be creepy as fuck and I love that when I'm not the one in the position of being scared by one. Almost every song I've listened to as a music box cover sounds pretty great, so there's that, too. It's just very calming and lovely and beautiful. It also makes me feel nostalgic sometimes. Like I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's something that make me imagine being a little kid. I love music boxes.

Monday, August 24, 2015

The Panic is On

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM A JUNIOR AND I REGRET MY MAJOR WHY DID I DO THIS.
I let my parents push me in a direction. I'm panicking way too much for one day into the semester. I wish I'd done something different. I'm just very scared and need to cry. My heart is racing from my medication and it's not helping. I feel insanely scared.