Sunday, April 26, 2015

If I have an Anxiety Disorder, I'm Going to Flip

I've been saying that I'm going to flip a lot lately.... like a lot.
Anyway, you know how you're pretty damn sure there's something wrong with you, but you really don't think it's true.
Yeah, that's pretty much how my life is going lately.
So far the belief is that I'm going through a huge bout of anxiety. I don't want to say I have an anxiety disorder because I really don't think I do. It comes and goes in waves. I don't know why.
Lately I've been feeling ill (dizzy, rapid heart beat, trembly), fairly emotional and panicky, and just all around not in a good mood because of it. I've always been nervous, ALWAYS, but that doesn't make this a problem, right? Maybe? I don't know.
The thing is, I honestly have no idea what to do. I don't know how to talk about this stuff with a therapist. Trust me, I've tried. It's just weird.
Lately I've been thinking more about the past. Trust me, I'm glad grade school is over, and I'm glad I've reached college. However, part of me is pining for the kid I was several years ago. I wasn't too smart, and I was still a bit cynical, but I think I was happier then. Right now, with all of the changes that are happening around me, all of this growing up shit, and especially with being halfway through my undergrad career I'm getting scared.
I'm not entirely ready to grow up and face the future. I'm nervous about everything in my life. The strings attached to the past are stretched and frayed, and the scares me to death.
Hopefully it's something that will be overcome and I'll be able to grow up, but for now, I'm afraid and hoping I don't have an anxiety disorder.

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