Sunday, April 26, 2015

If I have an Anxiety Disorder, I'm Going to Flip

I've been saying that I'm going to flip a lot lately.... like a lot.
Anyway, you know how you're pretty damn sure there's something wrong with you, but you really don't think it's true.
Yeah, that's pretty much how my life is going lately.
So far the belief is that I'm going through a huge bout of anxiety. I don't want to say I have an anxiety disorder because I really don't think I do. It comes and goes in waves. I don't know why.
Lately I've been feeling ill (dizzy, rapid heart beat, trembly), fairly emotional and panicky, and just all around not in a good mood because of it. I've always been nervous, ALWAYS, but that doesn't make this a problem, right? Maybe? I don't know.
The thing is, I honestly have no idea what to do. I don't know how to talk about this stuff with a therapist. Trust me, I've tried. It's just weird.
Lately I've been thinking more about the past. Trust me, I'm glad grade school is over, and I'm glad I've reached college. However, part of me is pining for the kid I was several years ago. I wasn't too smart, and I was still a bit cynical, but I think I was happier then. Right now, with all of the changes that are happening around me, all of this growing up shit, and especially with being halfway through my undergrad career I'm getting scared.
I'm not entirely ready to grow up and face the future. I'm nervous about everything in my life. The strings attached to the past are stretched and frayed, and the scares me to death.
Hopefully it's something that will be overcome and I'll be able to grow up, but for now, I'm afraid and hoping I don't have an anxiety disorder.

Thursday, April 9, 2015


My twentieth year is coming up in a few days. I can't even begin to say how happy I am. Birthdays are important to me now more than ever since several family members have passed away in the past year. Every birthday is a reminder that I made it. It's like a finish line for a small race in a huge group of races.
That sounded really stupid.
Anyway, that's why I bring up my birthday a lot. I' excited because that's another year I've lived through and I was able to come out of it just fine.

So what the hell is going on with me? (Trigger warning, suicide)

I'm going to preface this by saying: TRIGGER WARNING DEATH, SUICIDE
Please be careful when reading things that could possibly harm your mental health.
Anyway, what is going on with my brain lately. It's just getting so strange lately. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not as anxiety ridden as I was before (at the moment or at least that's what it seems like). 
But what the fuck is going on with the constant threat of death and the thoughts of suicide.
I'm generally a weak person when it comes to anxiety. I cry during tests that are too hard. I panicked when my big didn't show up at her study hours at the time she usually does. I'm beyond scared that the world is going to shit.
That's why I've been thinking about suicide lately. Never seriously enough to frighten myself, but more like... I don't know. "What if I can't handle what's coming towards me and I just refuse to deal with it?" "What if whatever is coming at me is going to kill me anyway?" "Am I really going to love life?" "Growing up is one of the scariest things for me, I don't want to grow up this fast."
I know there are probably a lot of other people feeling the same way as I am right now.
You know what's interesting? I'm still not crying about this as I type. It's more like a thing at the back of my head.
I don't know why this has been such a thing lately.
Please don't worry about me. I'm fine, I just needed to post something because this is literally the only way I can get everything out and remember what I wanted to talk about. I'm seeing someone on campus tomorrow, but I'll probably forget about it by then.
The thing I really need is an explanation for why this keeps happening. As much as I hate to admit it, these thoughts aren't new and they aren't going stop any time soon. It sucks, but I haven't scared myself into stopping, nor have I thought enough on it to actually commit suicide. 
I'm surrounded by people who love me and people I know I can talk to about anything. I know that, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to talk to people about it. I turn to blogging about it.
I will be fine. I promise, and if I'm not, I'll get help. I've thought of the possibility of having depression, but I'm very certain I don't.
This has been a very weird blog. I have no idea if there was a point or not. I think this is more of a journal entry. Sure, let's go with that.
I'm fine, I promise, but I just want to know why this keeps happening. It's just kind of strange.