Thursday, April 13, 2017

Welp, Fuck

I'm one month from graduating. One month from getting a piece of paper that says I did sufficiently well enough in my eight semesters of college to graduate. One month from being tossed into even more uncertainty and anxiety that, frankly, I'm not ready for.

I have no desire to go towards my chosen field. I have no desire to do anything, if I'm being honest. Unfortunately, the thought of being a disappointment to my family, as I feel I was for most of my childhood and adolescence, is the only reason I didn't switch to a major I thought I'd enjoy. 

Slowly but surely, I'm realizing that piece of paper will mean nothing in the long run. It doesn't define me. It doesn't tell anyone about how good I am at writing. It doesn't tell people that I love reading. It doesn't tell anyone my love for videogames and music. All it tells you is my name and what I studied for eight fucking semesters.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Half of me is so ready to give up as soon as I get that stupid piece of paper. Just...I don't know. 

I haven't been through half the hell others have. I try not to complain, because I know it could be worse, but lately I can't do much else.

Today's been rough. Figures the day after my birthday would be the day I type up another mental breakdown blog.

I'll leave off with this: You are more than how you do in school or what your job is. You have hobbies and interests. You are awesome. However you express yourself, be it through your job or school or your hobbies and interests, do it with as much enthusiasm as you can muster. I believe in you.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

"Hey how ya doing?" "Not great!"

Hey there! I'm not totally great right now!
So, I'll be honest here, I'm a trainwreck. A trash fire. A...other things I can call myself. It's 8:32, and I am TIRED.
Graduation is coming up, and I've been wait listed for one grad school, while two have yet to get back to me, and two have said "Sorry, you kind of didn't finish your whole application." So yeah.
Not sure what I'm going to do. I'm pretty fucking scared, fam.
Cam, my really neato boyfriend, mentioned that sometimes you won't end up getting a job in the field you go into. I know that. I know that really well, but I'm getting a BS in speech, hearing, and language disorders. That seems pretty friggin specific. I'm not exactly sure what to do. I've been fortunate enough to have parents who were willing and able to pay for my tuition. If I were to come back, I'd have to do it on my own. I'm really sick of having to ask them for help all the time.
In other news, my had breast cancer. That's right, HAD. She's completely cancer free as of a few weeks ago. That's one good thing.
Last semester was kind of awful. There was a lot of drama in my life (that I wasn't part of, but was around), I was working at McDonalds (it wasn't terrible, but my anxiety would kick me in the guts like every hour before I had to go in), there was the impending doom of the strike the faculty was going on, an d of course, grad apps. I'm still here though. I made it.
I can make it this semester, too. It's just a matter of getting over this slump I've been in. I don't want to care, but I care too much. I want to keep calm, but it ain't working.
Now, I have an Aural Rehab exam to study for, and only another two hours and 20 minutes to do so before my first class of the day.
Peace out.