Sappy post

So this entire year sucked ass. At least that's what it felt like. I don't know why, but it just felt like everything surrounding me was either a bunch of different fights between a bunch of different people or something that made me so confused that I just couldn't...function, I guess? It was dumb and I'm half ready to be done with everything forever.

On the bright side, I did get to hang out with some people more. I got to watch ten beautiful ladies get initiated into Sigma Alpha Iota throughout the fall and spring semesters. Now I get to take on the responsibility of vice president membership for our chapter. I can't tell you how excited I am to get any new girls coming in ready for initiation with the rest of our sisterhood.

I also took a little this semester. I didn't exactly know who would end up coming out this semester, but after getting to know Bree better, I knew we'd be a perfect match. She's so sweet and she's really funny. She's a gifted singer and artist and I know she'll succeed in anything she puts her mind to.

On a sad note, my big is leaving me. In all honesty if it wasn't for her I probably would have dropped out of SAI before initiation. Last year was tough, and the stress of being an MIT was daunting. I am so lucky to have had her by my side. I am sad that she is leaving, and I'm sad that the other seniors are leaving. Beth was in my pledge class, and at first I honestly was frightened of her. She's loud and talks a lot more than me, but she is a wonderful person and I honestly do love her a lot. I didn't get to know Lindsey and Corrina as well as I wish I could have, but they've always been kind to me and I know they'll do great things.

SAI and GameCola are two of the things that keep me going. It's where a lot of my friends are or have come from in the past few years. I'll miss my sisters over the summer, and I miss reading and writing articles (even though I suck at writing every month and I'm sorry I am the worst) while the site is down. If I didn't have these things in my life, I honestly don't know where (nor do I want to think about) where I'd be.

Another stupid life update

I don't know what's wrong with me. I never understand why I feel so fucked up. I've said some things in the past few days that sound really bad and suicidal, but only to my boyfriend. Now I've probably got him worried. I can't do anything about this. I've fucked myself over royally by not talking to someone about this, but I can never explain how I feel or why I feel what I do. It's getting really tiring and I can't seem to understand. Shutting down has become more common, and just trying to do something I want to do is hard since my mind just decides to go blank. It's gotten so frustrating.

The good news coming out of all of this is that I've got people who care about me. I know they'll listen if I need them to, but I just feel awful bringing things up. I love my family, friends, and my wonderful sisters. I'm so grateful to have all of them by my side.

I wish I knew how to make myself stop being so sad and irritated all of the time.

I think I need help, but I don't know

I think I need help, but I don't know who from. From me? From my family and friends? I honestly don't know. I'm not doing well. I want everything to stop. I want to sleep. I don't exactly want to wake up sometimes, but usually I do. I just want a break. I have no plans for grad school. I don't even want to go to grad school. I have no passion for anything anymore. There's not much for me to do but drudge on and hope for the best. Maybe I just need this winter break to last for a while. Maybe I just need to clear my head. I'm afraid to ask my parents for help with figuring out what I want to do since they still think I want to do Speech Pathology. I don't, though. I don't know what I want to do.

Music Boxes

Music boxes are very emotional for me, guys. Listening to one can calm me down in an instant when I'm feeling like I'm going crazy, winding a music boxes is a fun repetitive thing I can do to distract myself from other things when I'm not doing well, and in all honesty they are the best things in the world. They can also be creepy as fuck and I love that when I'm not the one in the position of being scared by one. Almost every song I've listened to as a music box cover sounds pretty great, so there's that, too. It's just very calming and lovely and beautiful. It also makes me feel nostalgic sometimes. Like I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's something that make me imagine being a little kid. I love music boxes.

The Panic is On

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM A JUNIOR AND I REGRET MY MAJOR WHY DID I DO THIS.
I let my parents push me in a direction. I'm panicking way too much for one day into the semester. I wish I'd done something different. I'm just very scared and need to cry. My heart is racing from my medication and it's not helping. I feel insanely scared.

Moving back to College

Another summer has come and gone. Fortunately, it wasn't as awful as last summer! I got to write, make some money, I WENT TO POLAND (hell yes), played some awesome games, saw some family members...It was a good time. It was still so strange not seeing my grandpa and uncle when I visited Michigan.
Anyway, I'm moving back to college tomorrow. Hooray, third year student, all credits in line to make me a junior SHLD student. Wooh! Band camp this week and then the start of a busy semester. Let's hope I make it.
Last year I didn't think I would cry when my mom and sister left to go back home. I thought 'Yeah, it'll be fine. I cried last year, this time it'll be different.' Haha...hahah...no...no I cried. And I didn't let myself cry at first. I sat in my closet (my bean bag chair was sitting in there, so might as well) and tried to calm down. That's when I decided I'd cry. It was great. Afterwards I put on Back to the Future, unpacked, cried some more, and then left for our band camp meeting.
So, being a twenty year old young woman, I feel like maybe this year I won't cry....but I also know that that is complete bullshit and that it'll take me forever to calm down once my mom and sister leave. This year it'll be a bit better, since I know more people in town and can try and hang out with them if they're free. If I cry, so be it. It's natural after three months of being home and being around my family.
And with that moving in comes the beginning of me needing to take my ADD meds again...and a start to what I imagine will be the continued anxiety I've been experiencing. Can't wait.

Writing 1

Hi, my name is Anna and I would like to be a writer.
Holy shit, no way.
Just like a lot of people I know.
Now, the thing is, I am a writer. I already am a writer in the sense that that is a thing I do, and sometimes I do it pretty well.
However! My writing style is something I'd call sort of natural. Especially when I blog. I write almost exactly what I'm thinking and it flows strangely at times. I don't care, though. That's how I write.
Sure if I'm writing an article for GameCola.net (Gaming outside the mainstream) I'll have to be more careful about it and of course edit, but I still just go with whatever in on my mind. That's why I have such a hard time writing article sometimes. I want to sound natural, but my ADD style is not exactly what needs to be in a review about a game. I look at other reviews and try to see how fellow staff writers write, but that's their style of writing, not mine. I usually open with a story, and while it may not interest anyone, that's how I get the ball rolling.
When I write my story, which by the way is coming along pretty alright, I end up trying to be descriptive and a bit more professional (I guess?). Sometimes it works, but other times it really doesn't. I try hard to write the dialogue to be as natural as possible, but sometimes it doesn't always work out so well.
So I'll continue to write and improve and be as natural and as like me as I can. I'll try to improve on being professional and descriptive and awesome as well. I just want to be the best writer I can be.