Writing 1

Hi, my name is Anna and I would like to be a writer.
Holy shit, no way.
Just like a lot of people I know.
Now, the thing is, I am a writer. I already am a writer in the sense that that is a thing I do, and sometimes I do it pretty well.
However! My writing style is something I'd call sort of natural. Especially when I blog. I write almost exactly what I'm thinking and it flows strangely at times. I don't care, though. That's how I write.
Sure if I'm writing an article for GameCola.net (Gaming outside the mainstream) I'll have to be more careful about it and of course edit, but I still just go with whatever in on my mind. That's why I have such a hard time writing article sometimes. I want to sound natural, but my ADD style is not exactly what needs to be in a review about a game. I look at other reviews and try to see how fellow staff writers write, but that's their style of writing, not mine. I usually open with a story, and while it may not interest anyone, that's how I get the ball rolling.
When I write my story, which by the way is coming along pretty alright, I end up trying to be descriptive and a bit more professional (I guess?). Sometimes it works, but other times it really doesn't. I try hard to write the dialogue to be as natural as possible, but sometimes it doesn't always work out so well.
So I'll continue to write and improve and be as natural and as like me as I can. I'll try to improve on being professional and descriptive and awesome as well. I just want to be the best writer I can be.

Finding myself(1?)

Sure, let's go with that title.
Something I've thought about: Am I a blank slate? Am I just someone who isn't really sure what she is in terms of a person. Like everyone will identify as something. I don't know what exactly, but it's so hard to do that. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
It's not come up to talk to others about it because I never know how to phrase things when I need to talk to someone. That made sense, right? Anyway, I've been wondering if I need to find myself. If I need to stop for a while and find something I love doing more than anything else. If I should really be trying to fit myself into what I think is what I want to do. Or should I run off and do some other shit that may or may not make me realize that I do or don't want to go ahead with my life as is.
It's a difficult thing, and seeing that I am 20, it may be the time to decide yes or no. I mean, maybe in ten years I'll hate myself for not doing so....
Unfortunately, there is no way for me to do that.
Do what's expected and get a degree, get your masters, work until your dead.
That's not what I want but I can't seem to get myself to change it.

If I have an Anxiety Disorder, I'm Going to Flip

I've been saying that I'm going to flip a lot lately.... like a lot.
Anyway, you know how you're pretty damn sure there's something wrong with you, but you really don't think it's true.
Yeah, that's pretty much how my life is going lately.
So far the belief is that I'm going through a huge bout of anxiety. I don't want to say I have an anxiety disorder because I really don't think I do. It comes and goes in waves. I don't know why.
Lately I've been feeling ill (dizzy, rapid heart beat, trembly), fairly emotional and panicky, and just all around not in a good mood because of it. I've always been nervous, ALWAYS, but that doesn't make this a problem, right? Maybe? I don't know.
The thing is, I honestly have no idea what to do. I don't know how to talk about this stuff with a therapist. Trust me, I've tried. It's just weird.
Lately I've been thinking more about the past. Trust me, I'm glad grade school is over, and I'm glad I've reached college. However, part of me is pining for the kid I was several years ago. I wasn't too smart, and I was still a bit cynical, but I think I was happier then. Right now, with all of the changes that are happening around me, all of this growing up shit, and especially with being halfway through my undergrad career I'm getting scared.
I'm not entirely ready to grow up and face the future. I'm nervous about everything in my life. The strings attached to the past are stretched and frayed, and the scares me to death.
Hopefully it's something that will be overcome and I'll be able to grow up, but for now, I'm afraid and hoping I don't have an anxiety disorder.

Birthdays

My twentieth year is coming up in a few days. I can't even begin to say how happy I am. Birthdays are important to me now more than ever since several family members have passed away in the past year. Every birthday is a reminder that I made it. It's like a finish line for a small race in a huge group of races.
That sounded really stupid.
Anyway, that's why I bring up my birthday a lot. I' excited because that's another year I've lived through and I was able to come out of it just fine.

So what the hell is going on with me? (Trigger warning, suicide)

I'm going to preface this by saying: TRIGGER WARNING DEATH, SUICIDE

Please be careful when reading things that could possibly harm your mental health.

Anyway, what is going on with my brain lately. It's just getting so strange lately. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not as anxiety ridden as I was before (at the moment or at least that's what it seems like). 

But what the fuck is going on with the constant threat of death and the thoughts of suicide.

I'm generally a weak person when it comes to anxiety. I cry during tests that are too hard. I panicked when my big didn't show up at her study hours at the time she usually does. I'm beyond scared that the world is going to shit.

That's why I've been thinking about suicide lately. Never seriously enough to frighten myself, but more like... I don't know. "What if I can't handle what's coming towards me and I just refuse to deal with it?" "What if whatever is coming at me is going to kill me anyway?" "Am I really going to love life?" "Growing up is one of the scariest things for me, I don't want to grow up this fast."

I know there are probably a lot of other people feeling the same way as I am right now.

You know what's interesting? I'm still not crying about this as I type. It's more like a thing at the back of my head.

I don't know why this has been such a thing lately.

Please don't worry about me. I'm fine, I just needed to post something because this is literally the only way I can get everything out and remember what I wanted to talk about. I'm seeing someone on campus tomorrow, but I'll probably forget about it by then.

The thing I really need is an explanation for why this keeps happening. As much as I hate to admit it, these thoughts aren't new and they aren't going stop any time soon. It sucks, but I haven't scared myself into stopping, nor have I thought enough on it to actually commit suicide. 

I'm surrounded by people who love me and people I know I can talk to about anything. I know that, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to talk to people about it. I turn to blogging about it.

I will be fine. I promise, and if I'm not, I'll get help. I've thought of the possibility of having depression, but I'm very certain I don't.

This has been a very weird blog. I have no idea if there was a point or not. I think this is more of a journal entry. Sure, let's go with that.

I'm fine, I promise, but I just want to know why this keeps happening. It's just kind of strange.

ADD

Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder is defined as "A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness." Recently, a lot of people believe this isn't a real thing. It is. In 6th grade, I think I was 12 or so, I was told by a psychiatrist that I have Attention Deficit Disorder, which is basically the same thing, but the hyperactivity is less. It has a huge effect on learning and sitting still during classes and while studying.

I'm just gonna go on a rant because I can. ADD and ADHD are a thing. It just seems to be something that is over diagnosed. Kids will have focus problems when they're young. They're still learning how to behave in school and shouldn't be expected to know how to behave in first and second grade. By the time a kid has been in school for a few years, it might be more common to pay attention and stay calm during a class. I'm not a professional I'm kind of just guessing at all of this.

When I was in grade school, I honestly could not pay attention for the life of me. I would take notes and study, but retaining information and getting myself to not zone out during a class was hard. In sixth grade I was told I have ADD. I was put on medication, Focalin at the time, and things got a little easier for me. A year after that I was put on Vyvanse, which I am still on today. I'm in college now, and I've really noticed the impact my ADD has during my classes and studying when I don't take my meds.

Going back to the over diagnosed thing. What I think is that some people are hearing about ADD or ADHD and bring it up because they believe that's why their child is doing poorly or is acting out in class. I think it might be best to wait until a child is a bit older to really look at the problem, or monitor their study habits and make sure they're just not jerks...because unfortunately some kids are just jerks.

That's my little rant. Don't quote me on anything, since I'm only guessing at stuff here. I'm just a nineteen year old who happens to take Vyvanse so she can get through classes and studying so she can eventually graduate.

How I'm doing

Lately I feel like winter will never end.

Since May of last year a lot has happened. I was broken up with, my grandfather passed away, I got my license, I joined a sorority, I entered another relationship, I questioned my life choices, my great uncle passed away, I figured I should see someone about anxiety and five months later acted on that thought. 

Lately everything I've done feels like it blends together. I've lost all motivation for the day.

Everything this semester seems very not spectacular. I feel sad a lot more, and sorry for myself which I should stop doing. I'm quick to jump to the worst case scenario and panic. It's just not been a good semester and we're barely halfway through it.

I'm sick of drama and people who annoy me. I'm sick of this looming feeling that eventually I'll just stop, like a robot who needs to be wound every once in a while. 

I also feel like I want to cry. I don't want to though, and I hate crying.

My best friend is across the world. I'm so happy for her... But I miss her. I miss a lot of my friends. I hope to see them soon.

I miss feeling like myself. I feel like a stranger lately. It's a weird feeling.

I miss warmth. I miss sunlight that doesn't just mix with the cold.

I miss the green on the trees and the grass. I miss wearing sneakers instead of boots where one sole is higher than the other. I miss being able to walk outside with a hoodie on and think it was a bit too hot for a hoodie.

I miss feeling like every day was different from the last.