'Sanctum' by Madeleine Roux

Ok, so I need to talk about this. NONE OF MY FRIENDS OR FAMILY READ THIS OR THE ONE BEFORE IT. I just want to say that while it didn't freak me out or put me in a state of panic like the first one did, I still loved this book. I love the characters, so much. Cal's boating shoes. the FUCKING BOATING SHOES. Something Jordan said at the end about Dan maybe finding something about his family. That'd be great.

Death 1

When stars die, most recently Robin Williams, it makes us feel really bad inside. Yes, someone else in the world has died today, but how were we to know? I felt awful last night when I realized that another one of my childhood icons was gone. I prayed for his family. I prayed for everyone who died that day and days before. I prayed for people with depression and anyone who is suicidal. The reason we're all so sad is because we grew up hearing, seeing, and reading the works of these icons. They made us laugh, they voiced our favorite character, they gave us words to live by, or they made our favorite movie. They stuck with us, and watching them do what they did and reading what they put on paper for us to read made us happy when we were down.

My grandfather died a few weeks ago. He and my grandmother were divorced, so we would visit him only once in a while when we went to visit her. That one day we visited though would be so much fun. He lit up a room, and he loved us all. At his funeral the man speaking said so many things about him. He was a wonderful man, and "never met a man he did not like." He mentioned that we, his four grandchildren, were the apples of his eye. That he loved his daughters so much. That even if it is hard for a father to give his little girls away to another man when they get married, my grandpa loved his son-in laws. He loved everyone, and he was so cheerful.

I'm mentioning this because these people who spent their lives working to make others happy will always be remembered as that: happy. Mourning is something we all do. Mourning the loss of someone you never knew is near impossible if there is no media coverage. People unfortunately die, no matter how much we want them around. When other's criticize a person for mourning the loss of a star, it feels a little sad to me. They may have known someone who died recently in a very terrible way. They may have never had the chance to see the movies or shows or read any of their works. They may not think it's a terrible loss. I can understand that. Everyone deserves to be mourned by someone, and if it's covered by the media or not, it's sad no matter what. All we can do is pick ourselves up and keep going, since that's what the person would want.

Driving 2

So I hate driving less. That's cool. Driving on the highway isn't that hard since you stay at one speed and stay in one place for a long time. Unless you're not, then fuck that. Right turns are hard since I don't make them close enough to the curb. I can park! Parking is easier when there are people around because then I know how much room I have. Yay. Still need to work on maneuverability... gross.

First Breakup

After three years, I've been broken up with. It's something I've seen coming for about two weeks. My now ex came over and I cried a bit and he was very sensitive about it. Everything turned out fine. Three years ago when we decided to date, we told each other we'd stay friends if we broke up, and we are still good friends. After everything, we hung out for about an hour and just talked and laughed. It was great. I am so lucky to have found a nice guy that I spent three years with lots of memories, and not too many people can say they had a high school relationship that lasted three years, and if you have, congratulations! Whoever he ends up with, I hope they're happy. I'm glad that everything went so smoothly. Sure, I'll be sad, but it's a part of life. I'm glad we're going to stay friends.

Feeling Useless

I'm not a huge fan of summer. Not big on heat or the fact that I look like a ghost every time I am outside. I hate the feeling of uselessness I have. I don't have a paying job, I'm not talented, and I'm easily bored. Not so much bored as I am disinterested. During the school year I am so much more active, which is why I try doing more things. Now I'm just a blob who sits around until I feel like going outside for an hour to play with my flag. It's something I just can't seem to get over. My friends are all either working, taking classes, or live too far away to do anything. I love my sister and I love hanging out with her, but she's more content to be alone. I feel like I'm not doing any good for anyone or myself. My mind gets blank and I don't think about much. I become a mindless drone, just doing whatever. It's annoying and I'm crying a little while typing this. I hate it. Unfortunately, this seems like a precursor to the rest of my life. I feel like I should just accept it, but I can't. There's nothing for me to do though. I know complaining about it won't do jack shit, but it helps me feel better.

Crying 1

I want to cry right now, but I probably won't, simply because I really hate crying. It's ok for others to cry, I still dislike seeing people cry. It's unfortunate that people have to cry or feel the need to cry. It makes me feel gross and just... ugh. That is how I feel: ugh. So yeah, this is a very short one. Good bye.

Religion 1

I wish my parents had let me choose my religion, I really do. My dad comes from a very Catholic family, and my mom comes from a Lutheran family. I am Catholic because I was told to be. Now that I am 19, my dad doesn't want me to lose my faith. I was told I have a choice in whether I go to church or not, but I don't. I am constantly guilt tripped into going, mostly by myself. I know that I'll get coerced into it already, and I feel half bad about not wanting to go and then I end up going. I don't have a choice and I'm angry about it. This is all made even fucking better by the fact that I don't know what I believe. It makes me angrier and I get even more angry when I am forced to go to church and end up thinking about what if this is all real or if this is all fake. Red vs. Blue is a great webseries, and in the very first episode one of the characters said something, while not to be taken too seriously, that clicks with me.
"One of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything. You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night."
This clicks with me because that is what I have been wondering for the past two years. I don't know, maybe I should try to accept my fate until I move out.