If I have an Anxiety Disorder, I'm Going to Flip

I've been saying that I'm going to flip a lot lately.... like a lot.
Anyway, you know how you're pretty damn sure there's something wrong with you, but you really don't think it's true.
Yeah, that's pretty much how my life is going lately.
So far the belief is that I'm going through a huge bout of anxiety. I don't want to say I have an anxiety disorder because I really don't think I do. It comes and goes in waves. I don't know why.
Lately I've been feeling ill (dizzy, rapid heart beat, trembly), fairly emotional and panicky, and just all around not in a good mood because of it. I've always been nervous, ALWAYS, but that doesn't make this a problem, right? Maybe? I don't know.
The thing is, I honestly have no idea what to do. I don't know how to talk about this stuff with a therapist. Trust me, I've tried. It's just weird.
Lately I've been thinking more about the past. Trust me, I'm glad grade school is over, and I'm glad I've reached college. However, part of me is pining for the kid I was several years ago. I wasn't too smart, and I was still a bit cynical, but I think I was happier then. Right now, with all of the changes that are happening around me, all of this growing up shit, and especially with being halfway through my undergrad career I'm getting scared.
I'm not entirely ready to grow up and face the future. I'm nervous about everything in my life. The strings attached to the past are stretched and frayed, and the scares me to death.
Hopefully it's something that will be overcome and I'll be able to grow up, but for now, I'm afraid and hoping I don't have an anxiety disorder.

Birthdays

My twentieth year is coming up in a few days. I can't even begin to say how happy I am. Birthdays are important to me now more than ever since several family members have passed away in the past year. Every birthday is a reminder that I made it. It's like a finish line for a small race in a huge group of races.
That sounded really stupid.
Anyway, that's why I bring up my birthday a lot. I' excited because that's another year I've lived through and I was able to come out of it just fine.

So what the hell is going on with me? (Trigger warning, suicide)

I'm going to preface this by saying: TRIGGER WARNING DEATH, SUICIDE

Please be careful when reading things that could possibly harm your mental health.

Anyway, what is going on with my brain lately. It's just getting so strange lately. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not as anxiety ridden as I was before (at the moment or at least that's what it seems like). 

But what the fuck is going on with the constant threat of death and the thoughts of suicide.

I'm generally a weak person when it comes to anxiety. I cry during tests that are too hard. I panicked when my big didn't show up at her study hours at the time she usually does. I'm beyond scared that the world is going to shit.

That's why I've been thinking about suicide lately. Never seriously enough to frighten myself, but more like... I don't know. "What if I can't handle what's coming towards me and I just refuse to deal with it?" "What if whatever is coming at me is going to kill me anyway?" "Am I really going to love life?" "Growing up is one of the scariest things for me, I don't want to grow up this fast."

I know there are probably a lot of other people feeling the same way as I am right now.

You know what's interesting? I'm still not crying about this as I type. It's more like a thing at the back of my head.

I don't know why this has been such a thing lately.

Please don't worry about me. I'm fine, I just needed to post something because this is literally the only way I can get everything out and remember what I wanted to talk about. I'm seeing someone on campus tomorrow, but I'll probably forget about it by then.

The thing I really need is an explanation for why this keeps happening. As much as I hate to admit it, these thoughts aren't new and they aren't going stop any time soon. It sucks, but I haven't scared myself into stopping, nor have I thought enough on it to actually commit suicide. 

I'm surrounded by people who love me and people I know I can talk to about anything. I know that, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to talk to people about it. I turn to blogging about it.

I will be fine. I promise, and if I'm not, I'll get help. I've thought of the possibility of having depression, but I'm very certain I don't.

This has been a very weird blog. I have no idea if there was a point or not. I think this is more of a journal entry. Sure, let's go with that.

I'm fine, I promise, but I just want to know why this keeps happening. It's just kind of strange.

ADD

Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder is defined as "A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness." Recently, a lot of people believe this isn't a real thing. It is. In 6th grade, I think I was 12 or so, I was told by a psychiatrist that I have Attention Deficit Disorder, which is basically the same thing, but the hyperactivity is less. It has a huge effect on learning and sitting still during classes and while studying.

I'm just gonna go on a rant because I can. ADD and ADHD are a thing. It just seems to be something that is over diagnosed. Kids will have focus problems when they're young. They're still learning how to behave in school and shouldn't be expected to know how to behave in first and second grade. By the time a kid has been in school for a few years, it might be more common to pay attention and stay calm during a class. I'm not a professional I'm kind of just guessing at all of this.

When I was in grade school, I honestly could not pay attention for the life of me. I would take notes and study, but retaining information and getting myself to not zone out during a class was hard. In sixth grade I was told I have ADD. I was put on medication, Focalin at the time, and things got a little easier for me. A year after that I was put on Vyvanse, which I am still on today. I'm in college now, and I've really noticed the impact my ADD has during my classes and studying when I don't take my meds.

Going back to the over diagnosed thing. What I think is that some people are hearing about ADD or ADHD and bring it up because they believe that's why their child is doing poorly or is acting out in class. I think it might be best to wait until a child is a bit older to really look at the problem, or monitor their study habits and make sure they're just not jerks...because unfortunately some kids are just jerks.

That's my little rant. Don't quote me on anything, since I'm only guessing at stuff here. I'm just a nineteen year old who happens to take Vyvanse so she can get through classes and studying so she can eventually graduate.

How I'm doing

Lately I feel like winter will never end.

Since May of last year a lot has happened. I was broken up with, my grandfather passed away, I got my license, I joined a sorority, I entered another relationship, I questioned my life choices, my great uncle passed away, I figured I should see someone about anxiety and five months later acted on that thought. 

Lately everything I've done feels like it blends together. I've lost all motivation for the day.

Everything this semester seems very not spectacular. I feel sad a lot more, and sorry for myself which I should stop doing. I'm quick to jump to the worst case scenario and panic. It's just not been a good semester and we're barely halfway through it.

I'm sick of drama and people who annoy me. I'm sick of this looming feeling that eventually I'll just stop, like a robot who needs to be wound every once in a while. 

I also feel like I want to cry. I don't want to though, and I hate crying.

My best friend is across the world. I'm so happy for her... But I miss her. I miss a lot of my friends. I hope to see them soon.

I miss feeling like myself. I feel like a stranger lately. It's a weird feeling.

I miss warmth. I miss sunlight that doesn't just mix with the cold.

I miss the green on the trees and the grass. I miss wearing sneakers instead of boots where one sole is higher than the other. I miss being able to walk outside with a hoodie on and think it was a bit too hot for a hoodie.

I miss feeling like every day was different from the last.

Anxiety 1

So, ever since last year I've been very nervous and panicky about...well, everything to be honest. Death mostly. I think about it more than normal. The future is something I'm also extremely scared about. I'm very nervous about it and it's normal to be nervous, but not as nervous as I am being every goddamn day. Driving is another thing. I got my license a few months ago, and I'm still super scared to drive. What if I don't make it home? is the only thing I think about, only I don't show it. It's a feeling I've accepted. I hate it, though. I know I should stop worrying, because I'm probably fine.

I also worry about my family to no end. I love them dearly, and if anything were to happen to them I would be devastated. I'm sure a lot of people would feel that way if someone they loved was hurt or killed. It's another one of those things that is constantly on my mind.

I am tearing up while typing this. That sucks.

But I have no idea if it's anxiety or if it's just me worrying too much.

Death 2

Monty Oum has passed away. If you don't know who he is, he worked for Rooster Teeth. He was a brilliant man, and is gone to soon. While I have never met him, I know that his work brought a lot of joy to many people. I kind of want to cry. I will continue to pray for his family and friends.
Over the past few days, I've been thinking more and more about what death means. I'm not sure if I believe in heaven, honestly. I don't know what will happen, but the end of everything is so scary to me. I can't handle the thought.